Goodbye Pascal

IF IT SHOULD BE - ANON

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle cant be won

You will be sad I understand
Don’t let this grief then stay your hand
For this day more than the rest
Your love and friendship stand the test

We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears
You'd not want me to suffer so
When the time comes let me go


I know in time you too will see
It is a kindness you do to me
Though my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved

Don't grieve that it should be you
Who has to decide this thing to do
We've been so close we two these years
Don’t let your heart hold any tears

Yesterday morning we lost Pascal, he was 11 years and 7 months old.

I have been preparing myself for this moment for a while, that I understand dogs his size have a life expectancy of around 12, also that gradually he had been showing signs of old age. But I have been hoping Pascal to be one of those mutant dog monsters who just lived on, and that he would always be there.

I have always wanted a dog since I was a kid. Growing up in Taiwan most people live in high rise apartment blocks and it was just never suitable to have a family pet. Some people do but I consider that inhumane. Instead, I was obsessed with soft toy dogs, I gave them names and put them to bed. And I gave myself this imaginary childhood that I would have loved to have, with the loyal dog friend by my side.

Pascal was an answer to my childhood dream that came many years later. I got him late November 1996, when he was 7 weeks old, for 50 bucks, in a neighbourhood pet shop. I would always remember that day, when the first thing he did after meeting me, was to pee on the floor, and how confused he looked, sitting on the counter in front of the cash register, not knowing that he was going to become a Chinese speaking dog, while I looked for puppy food pretty much the same price as him.

When Pascal came into our life, oh the joy he brought and how he made me feel like a kid again. The puppy walks in Cornwall Park, bringing him to friends' place to show him off, carrying him around like a baby. And how he knew from the very beginning that he was going to be a mommy's boy and that dad was not someone to mess with! (And he had always treated me as a peer, and would only come to me when neither mom and dad had time for him)

Despite growing into a scary looking beast weighing 45 kg later on, Pascal was a very cute looking puppy. He had big flappy ears, and black round eyes and a big white 'T' on his chest (this 'T' would later sagged to his belly in his old age and we would very often puzzle over the fact that 'Pascal looks different', 'He needed a chest-lift'). He had big puppy paws and would run everywhere rather than walk.

I am not going to re-make Pascal into a perfect dog, or a more special dog than he really is, to the fact that he is only as special as any other dog, and being a very average dog (and definitely not one of the bravest), I feel overwhelmed by the amount of happiness he brought us, and the love and courage and unselfishness he showed throughout the years.

Pascal had probably at least a couple of year of being, what should I say, quite annoying really. Once he grew up into a young teenager, he took a liking to shoes. He would chew them, play with them, drool in them, buried them in numerous holes he digged in the backyard. And we would always be looking for shoes. I had these unsightly German Backpacker style sandals, which, yes, I wore with socks, and my mom absolutely hated them (and who could blame her). One day Pascal totally destroyed them. These shoes worth more than he did, and he chewed them into pieces! I was furious but mom couldn’t hide her glee, kept patting Pascal's head telling him that he was being a fantastic boy, and how smart he was, to attack big sister's sandals and how proud she was of him. Well, mom wasn’t so pleased when Pascal destroyed the heel of her special occasion high heels. Dad was the calm one among us - normally he would keep wearing the shoes after Pascal had finished with them. Which probably contribute to the pattern in our household throughout the years - I yearn for Pascal's attention and affection at every opportunity, mom spoils him like a grandchild, and dad just treats him like a dog, and somehow earns Pascal's 100% respect and devotion naturally.

Pascal's other annoying traits including the love of digging holes everywhere, destroying dad's vegetable garden (his favourite past time was to roll over dad's precious chive patch), and the most difficult habit for us to deal with at the time was his constant escape from our house. He would sometimes dig through the hedge and turned up at our neighbour Des' (who is like an uncle to Pascal) at 2AM in the morning, wanting to play. Or sometimes we would get a call from Animal Control, and realized that he was like wondering around 2 streets away. Dad would fix the fence, tile the yard, and threaten Pascal that he was going to give him away, but Pascal would forever be discovering new ways to escape, including flattening himself and slid through the bottom gap of the gate - it was like watching one of the Houdini performances.

It often amazes me that dogs actually have their own sense of logic. They know what they are doing and they have fantastic problem solving skills. They watch and they learn, from other dogs and from us humans. He had decided from a very early age that when hungry, go to mom, but when in doubt, go to daddy, and dad would have all the answers.

Pascal's 'childhood' was like any other dog. He decided that he hated cats, plus Lucky the chiwhawha who lived on the next street, he loved tennis balls, and loved going out in the car. He lost his 'manhood' when he was 6 months old, although he didn’t seem to mind and actually really enjoyed his time at the vet, as all the nurses fussed over him and told him how brave, how smart, how cute he was. He has now ballooned into a little monster, with a powerful tail wag that once bruised my cheek when I was hit while doing my shoe laces.

In 1998 Pascal faced his first big battle to fight. A car hit him on Xmas eve and broke his two front legs. He crawled back to mom using his rear legs and his nose, which was amazing. We took him to the vet and was told that the operation had to be carried out in a specialist hospital, and was going to cost more than four thousand dollars, while the other option was to put him to sleep. We had a family meeting and decided that we would do anything to save him, he was young and strong and had many more happy years to come, and that it was not his time yet.

The operation went really well. We went to visit him in the hospital with his favourite food, Chinese buns. He saw us and started whimpering and was clearly telling us that he wanted to come home. And he would not touch the buns. I looked around the ward and it was heart warming seeing his name tag 'Pascal' on his cage - he is part of our family! The cocker spaniel next to his cage was 'Bob Chen' and had a plate of yum cha food in his cage. Oh bless them.

Pascal eventually came home with us from the hospital and moved inside the house and lived like a king. In his dog logic he figured that the special treatment was due to the bucket he had to wear on his head, as a result when mom wanted to take it off (he had rashes around his neck) to make him more comfortable he put his head with the bucket against the wall refusing to let it go. A couple of months later the legs got fine, the hair grew back, he put on an extra 5 kilos but he still refuse to let go of the damn bucket - it was really funny actually. Now I can’t remember how mom and dad manage to talk him into taking off the stupid bucket.

I can never be sure if Pascal would still remember the car accident for the rest of his life. He still seemed to walk carelessly but he always, always RUNS across the road, like in full on panic. I am guessing he probably does remember a little bit, but maybe he would wonder if it was just a childhood nightmare. Mom, Dad and I are still grateful of the wonderful vet, who not only saved Pascal's life (he had a punctured lung as well from the accident), but also fixed his legs so well that he never limped for the rest of his life. He became as strong as ever and could run very fast (despite having a very ungracious running style and seemed to have difficulties running straight, let me put it this way: Pascal ran like a mad dog).

Pascal looked quite scary, with his long snout and huge teeth, but he wasn't a very brave dog. He pretends he hates cats but really is scared of them. He hates any sort of cave or tunnel, or even the tube at dog training school. And he whimpers when there are thunders and lightening going on. Normally mom and dad would let him in when there is a storm but he would often go to the study, where dad would be using the computer, and wants to be closer to dad (cos dad always seem to know what to do). Dad always says 'Pascal you are a BIG dog, you shouldn't be scared!' But he just whimpers and seem to be saying 'Daddy please make it go away'. The day in the year he hates most is Guy Fox day, where everyone is allowed to have fun with the fire crackers. Oh how he hates it! Poor Pascal used to think the whole world is against him on Guy Fox day.

I left NZ in 1999; Pascal was 4 at this time and has kind of matured into a sensible young man. He has stopped being an escape artist, has mastered the art of protecting our house from dodgy strangers and preventing people from taking anything from the house. (Sometimes mom and dad's friends would leave our place with some snacks which mom made, and Pascal would follow them closely, with a suspicious look in his eyes, although at the same time, his security guard responsibilities include any friends' cars that were parked on our street) He has also settled into a nice routine. Walks with mom every morning, followed by morning tea which is normally a piece of bone, cat naps under the sun, barking at strangers, (he loves postman and the city council people who come to check the water gauges though cos they always tell him he is 'a good boy' - he is quite a sucker for flattery), dinner at 6, quick sleep after dinner, and night guard duty which sort of start from ten-ish. He occasionally joins mom and dad's tramping outings, which he would overlook the group going up and down the trek, acting like a sheep dog running back and forth among the group. He once even joined a primary school's field class at the back of the classroom in the bushes and was showing great interest in the teacher's lesson.

Pascal loves swimming too, but I have always suspected that it is more his love of people's praise and cheering rather than the love of swimming. He also loves following dad around when dad's working in the garden. And he loved stealing dad's pot plants and put it in his little house at the backyard. Sometimes it cracks me up thinking about what went on in the back of his little head.

Pascal has made many great friends, among those his favourite is definitely Des, our neighbour who is two doors down. Pascal met Des on his second day after I took him home and Des took a photo of Pascal and me, which the photo is still in my wallet to this day. Des is Pascal's default baby sitter when mom and dad had to go away. Pascal loved being at Des' and he often steal Des' food but looks like Des could never get truly angry with Pascal. Pascal hates all cats but has great respect for Des' cat Minky. And the two would often nap together. Des would also often take Pascal to go visit his mates and these people have become friends to Pascal too - it makes me smile that Pascal has all these other friends who I have never met, and he must have made these people smile at some point too and I feel so proud of him.

Pascal met my husband Nelson first time in year 2001. We have just got engaged and Nelson wanted to come to NZ to visit my extended family. Some how it was love at first sight for Pascal and he liked Nelson straight away. We still talk about the moment when Pascal squeezed his head through Nelson's armpit to 'force' Nelson to give him a cuddle. And how he waited in front of the bathroom when Nelson was having a shower. To Pascal's credit he never showed as much love for my other boyfriends so he must have known that Nelson 'was the one'. I was so happy to see Pascal accepting Nelson as part of the family. I mean, even if Pascal hated Nelson I was still going to marry him but it was a bonus to see those two got along!

I got married in 2003 and in Xmas 2004 Nelson and I came back to NZ to spend the Xmas holidays and we organized a big family trip which included Pascal. This was Pascal's first and only overnight trip. We took the ferry to Waiheki Island, where we rented a dog friendly apartment. Pascal was really happy during the day, running around like a puppy and went on to all these bush walks with us and cheekily begged for human food at every picnic. But as it got darker he grew more and more anxious and would often run to the car as if saying 'Aren't we going home yet?'

He was really puzzled when it looked obvious to him that we were not going home that night when mom set up his bed in the lounge of the holiday apartment. The family staying in the next apartment seemed to like Pascal and gave him a big bone at dinner. Mom brought Pascal over to say thank you and when mom came back to our apartment, Pascal instead went to the car in the car park and waited nervously next to it. We went to the beach to watch the fireworks that night. And poor Pascal went into the wrong apartment afterwards. I think it was all too confusing for him and unlike us I seriously doubt he was enjoying his first big holiday.

The next morning he seemed to have settled down a bit, seeing that all his loved ones were still there. The housekeeping lady came to change bed sheets and he started barking at her like he has decided that the apartment was indeed our new home. He was just a funny dog. We spent the next day going for walks and having picnics and chats late into the night. It was a great holiday but I think poor Pascal only truly relaxed when we got home the next day.

Pascal started to grow white hair around his snouts probably around 8 or 9 and has become a very relaxed senior dog. He still love his routines but didn't seen to let the cats bother him as much any more. He was so gentle with kids (my cousins from Taiwan would often come to stay during winter) and was great with old people. When my grandpa came to visit the last time before he passed away, Pascal would watch grandpa's every move, and when he sensed that grandpa was struggling (grandpa had bad knees) - he would run to the kitchen to alert mom. It is amazing how you don’t have to teach a dog these things and they just know what to do. Pascal probably didn't know that less than two years later he himself would start having problem going up and down the stairs himself.

Every time when I went back home in NZ I would notice that Pascal had become older. It was a bit sad but his puppy-ish smile never changed. Pascal doesn't do little smiles. He always does HUGE smile that shows everything, his teeth, his tongue, and his drool bubbles. At this time he was treating me like a kid too. Like I would do silly things with him or make him wear my sun glasses or make him carry my handbag so I can take silly photos and that sort of things and he would just put up with me. As if saying 'well as long as it pleases you, kiddo'.

I have personally grown up a lot during these years too (or I would like to believe so). I cherish more and more of the moments of being with mom and dad and Pascal, instead of having fun of my own. In the last couple of years whenever I went back to Auckland I rarely caught up with friends back home but I just wanted to spend every minute with my family. I loved just talking to mom about everything, looking at new photos dad took, watched TV together, and take Pascal for walks whenever weather allows. I was preparing myself for the day that Pascal wouldn't be there anymore and I wanted to accumulate all the memories with him whenever possible.

Pascal was a lovely dog in his old age. He had this mutual understanding with mom and dad. He understood their every move. And they understood his every move. And he constantly showered them with 100% trust and his puppy love. And he loved nothing more than a puppy massage from mom. Dad would often rub his tummy using his feet cos dad was too lazy to go wash his hands all the time. Pascal would swallow in all that 'feet love' all the same and would have the facial expression (you know the one, half smile and with half closed eyes) of pure dog bliss. Mom is really sad that Pascal had to go but we all know how much joy Pascal brought them, and I am sure it was the equal amount of joy mom and dad brought Pascal. I am humbled by the fact such a simple creature like a 45 kg Pascal could make such a difference to our lives. I left home when he was 4 and moved on with my life where he stayed with mom and dad, where he belongs. But I will forever feel grateful that Pascal has let me be part of his life, and that he gave me that life with a dog friend which I have always wanted. Even my friends here in Sydney would know everything about Pascal. And that Pascal had all these international friends, the Lins in Canada, Han in US (Pascal loved Han and would insisted on kissing her on the lips every single time he saw her), my cousins in Taiwan, all these people who Pascal made them smile at some point during his life.

Pascal started to get really sick about two weeks ago. He stopped eating and didn't want to move. We wanted to hope for the best and that he probably got food poisoning or something like that and that he would get better very soon. But he didn't. He got worse and worse and weaker and weaker, and was throwing up blood the day before he left. It was clear that time was up for dear old Pascal and that it was time to say goodbye. Mom and dad had to make that hard decision yesterday, and to agree for Pascal to sleep. It is extremely sad, but any animal lover would know that you don’t want your loved pet to suffer. And it is better for us to shed the sad tears instead of for Pascal to go through the pain in order for us to selfishly hold on to him for a little bit longer.

I am surprised at how sad I felt, and how I couldn't stop thinking about Pascal and cried cos I missed him so much, and that I physically ache cos I just missed him. But I feel so proud of Pascal cos he is such a good dog. Everyone who met him loved him (include a few of my parents' friends who did not like dog before, and my cousins who were scared of dogs, and went back to Taiwan telling their mom that 'we want a Pascal'), and that he always made us proud.

Mom and dad gave Pascal a really lovely life, with them being retired they had a lot of time for him and that Pascal didn't have to spend most of his time waiting for his owners to come home from work, we often joked that he must be the luckiest dog in the world! I am grateful of the opportunity to have met Pascal in that pet shop 12 years ago, and decided that I want him to be my dog. And from the moment he was put in front of the cash register, his life had changed forever, and so has mine.

Goodbye Pascal, I will always remember you, and I am sure many other people would feel the same way. No other dog can replace you, and thanks for being such a joy. You are not the perfect dog but you are THE BEST.

   - 此文轉自君君的部落格